Haven't blogged for a bit. Two reasons. Firstly, I get a bit bored with churning out the same old rubbish: went for a dogwalk, mowed the lawn, did a couple of hours arty painting, etc., etc., and secondly, every time something happens that's almost worthy of description, something else happens, attention gets diverted and nothing gets written, and thirdly, three reasons, I've been using the phone thing a bit more than usual (i.e. more than once a week) nattering to my tribe, and fourthly, four reasons, being a hermit recluse living in self-imposed exile in the middle of nowhere, the notion of telling the outside world of what I've been up to seems entirely at odds with my quest for privacy and seclusion, and fifthly, yes five, I'm lazy, and sixthly, yes six reasons (though there are probably far more), my sis and bro-law are just about to put their house on the market so I've been scouring the internet for suggestions of where they could move to next but, naturally, my idea of domestic bliss is completely different to what sis has in mind, so it could be seen as a wasted exercise, but au contraire, I've been having a whale of a time looking for properties that I'd go for if I had the inclination (which I haven't) and the necessary dosh (which I haven't).
It's a good game. I gave myself a rough budget of 150 grand (a fraction of what sis and bro will hopefully have) which I mistookedly thought would be perfectly adequate for what I had in mind (obviously I come from a bygone era): no geographical restrictions, requiring modernisation, original features, country setting, semi-isolated preferably; the usual stuff. So where to begin? Well, obviously, Scotland. Must be a few isolated crofts up there going for a pittance. Crap weather and very short days in winter and midgies in summer but what the hell, nae problem; couple of sweaters to sort out the cold and non-stop smoking to deter the bugs. Somewhat surprisingly I drew a blank. Very few crofts available and all going for silly money. Seems they've all been 'tastefully modernised' to use estate agent parlance, which to my mind means 'ruined'. Then I searched Wales, then West and East Midlands, bits of Yorkshire, Lincolnshire, East Anglia, Romney Marsh, Hastings and eventually the expensive South West. Hardly anything fitted the bill. All very disappointing. Seems there are very few places left in the UK that haven't been wrecked by clueless modernisers.
What is it with modern house doerer-upperers? How come none of them has the foggiest idea about what I call 'sympathetic renovations'? Seems to me everyone's been looking at too many of those stupid home improvement progs on telly full of ghastly laminated flooring, big print wallpaper on chimney breasts, horrid modern fireplaces with rocks and atrocious interior decor which the designers reckon is 'stylish'. Stylish my bloody arse. It's crap. And the frightening thing is that everyone seems to be doing it. Take last week on 'Homes Under the Hammer' for example. Couple of muslim looking chaps bought what was described as a 'wreck of a place' (looked fine to me) but which still retained a few original Victorian features. Three months later the camera crew returned to check progress. Sure enough, the few remaining original features had been dumped and replaced by this modern, junkish uniformity. Very 'des res' apparently. But not to me. No way. Personally I'm appalled by what these wrecking crews have been getting up to over the last few years. It really is criminal.
Ah well, as I said, it's only a game. However, it wasn't all bad news. I did manage to discover a few places that fitted the bill and were priced somewhere around my hypothetical budget figure. If I win Loto it would be nice to have a second home in the UK even though claustrophobia, white van man, neighbours and an inevitable pining for France would soon send me scurrying back here again. But which one? Hard to choose.
Near Kinlochiel, Scotland. Semi-remote. Requiring modernisation (no it doesn't!). 195k quid (whaaat?!). Under offer (damn and blast!). (Note how they've added rarely seen blue sky to the photo!)
Near Okehampton. Uninhabitable (rubbish - you should see our place!). Village setting, next to church, edge of Dartmoor (sounds parfait). 187k quid (whaaat?!).
Ludlow area. Isolated. Requires modernisation (you're joking! - looks fine to me etc. - all that's required is the installation of a water supply). One bedroom (that's all we need!). (Problem: it's surrounded by sheep - Sprocket eats sheep.) 160k quid (whaaat?!)
Lincoln. Original features. Four beds. Requires modernisation (no it doesn't!). 145k quid. (Bargain - same thing in London would cost around a million.) Why Lincoln? Well, I thought I'd look at just one 'town' property, I like Lincoln despite the lack of hills, my niece lives up that way and it overlooks a park - good for dogwalking.
Northamptonshire. Grade 2 listed. Requires renovation (yup, certainly does). South-facing garden. Quiet village backwater. 130k quid. (There ain't many places left like this. And apparently it's cheap. Oh really???)
And which would I go for? Well, given fiancial constraints and despite the close proximity of neighbours, probably the N'ptonshire one (I used to live near there). Hah! Dream on. Good game though.
'Course, the real question is what will my sis go for? Last time I nattered to her I asked if she would be looking for somewhere to do up. "No way," she said, "been there, done that. Something a bit more modern next." Aaaargh! Nohhh! Then I suggested they move to France. Nearly bit my head off. She hates the place 'cos they eat horses (sis is an equine fanatic and retired champeeeen showjumperer) and they smell. Ah well, worth a try. Be interesting to see what they end up with. All very exciting.
Talking of houses...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWOMuvTQg3U
SeasideMan
Pro 
Good job you're looking now and not 18 months ago - prices are down considerably since then!
Tom.